Ash:
Alright, you primitive screwhead, listen up!
It’s time to even the score
We gave peace a chance, now it’s time for all out war!
What? You’ve never seen a guy with a chainsaw hand before?
Well, watch out for my cult status style blood and gore!
So hardcore!
But what about you?
YOu had w ife that died of cancer but you named your bat after her.
Lucille?
Is that supposed to hit us in the feels?
Let me tell you buddy, I ain’t feeling it?
When it comes to you and your crew, I couldn’t give two shits.
You’ve got yourself a concubine that you’re trying to get pregnant
But it sounds like the downstairs baby department is growing stagnant
Everything about you makes me sick
And nwo it’s time to bring out my boomstick!
This is gonna be fun.
Good? Bad? I’m the guy with the gun
Negan:
Well, pardon mem, young man.
Excuse the shit outta my goddamn French but did you threaten me?
Are we pissin’ our pants yet?
I’m just hearing loud mouth empty threats
That ain’t making me fret
Watch what you say about Lucille here
Cause she is awesome and something to fear
IF you think I"m a pussy just ask my men
Or better yet, why don’t you ask Glen?
You took your girlfriend to a cabin in the woods and found a book of the dead
Wasn’t that a clue that the book shoudln’t have been read?
Not saying your'e stupid but hey
you pretyt much gave birth to a whole cliche
Your whole franchise is a joke
YOu spent the last 30 years milking the same shit till we all choke
I’m Negan, leader of the Saviors
And after I’m done with your face, Ashley, you’re gonna need pavers
Ash:
WEll, hello mister fancy pants.
You ain’t leading but two things: jack and shit. And Jack Left Town
Come at me and I will fuck you up and bring you down
You’re one to talk about cliches and tropes, bucko
You pretty much stole you’re whole show from George A. Romero
Don’t talk to me about books to be read.
Ever heard of “Night of the living dead”?
And that whole thing with Daryl? Come on, bro.
IF you keep that up, they’ll need to put your show on Bravo.
Look at you with that leather jacket and barbed wire baseball bat.
You think you look tough? You look feeble.
You just need a bike cop helmet, an Indian, sailor and construction worker and you’re in the Village People.
My franchise has lasted 30 years and still growing strong
Let’s see if you get another season, maybe.
So, hail to the king baby.
Negan:
You’ve got some beach ball sized lady balls
No wonder you need a boomstick
your aim is too hazy
and your chainsaw is getting rusty and leaky
Wakey-wakey, hands off your snakey
Come on, get with the tiems
the fans love me more than Rick Grimes
Time for a little innie, meenie, minni, moe
Because you’ve got to go
Some hero you are
I see better men than you when I piss
the only good part about your show is
seeing Xena Warrior Princess Topless
Nobody likes your show
How do I know?
It’s not on AMC or HBO
And don’t diss this coat
you’ll be thanking me when my dick is down your throat
Ash:
I hear a lotta yappenin
and not a lotta happenin
I’ve taken down zombies, demons, an army of darkness
And a couple evil twins
None of them could break this legendary jaw
or this manly grin
Just like them, you should shop smart
and shop S-mart
Negan:
Time to end it, Ashy Slashy
Ash:
What’d you call me?
Negan:
Shall I repeat?
Ashy Slashy, Hatchet and Saw
Takes your head and skins you raw
Ashy Slashy, heaven and hell
cuts out your tongue so you can’t yell
Oh yeah, gonna be pee-pee pants city here real soon
You over-the-hill pervy goon
I’m gonna get you
Not another peep
Time to go to sleep
(chokes up on bat and is about to bring the bat down onto Ash)
Ash: (brings up chainsaw arm and cuts Lucille in half)
Negan (Cries out in rage and then picks up the Necronomicon and opens a time portal)
© Ash Williams - Evil Dead - Sam Raimi
© Negan - The Walking Dead - AMC
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